Jane Faulkner

Start by Assuming the Best--- Jones Day Associate Teaches Us

The ABA recently reported about a Jones Day associate assigned to work with a demanding, "ornery" senior partner.  Without knowing it, she applied one of the NLP (neurolinguistc programning) presuppositions that I have found to be most helpful in relationships. Here it is--Assume that everyone is doing the best they can with the resources they believe they have available to them at the time.

In her words, she decided to look at his motivation, realizing that he was nearing retirement and facing pressure to train young lawyers. "Once I understood his motivation, I decided to take responsibility for changing the dynamic," she said. "I demonstrated interest and enthusiasm whenever we'd interact, and eventually he became my mentor." 

When we take things personally, it almost always leads us into a no-win situation.  This associate did the following things that turned the situation around:
1. She did not take the senior partner's behavior personally;
2. She became curious about his motivation and assumed the best;
3. She took responsibility for what she wanted in the relationship and modeled that, with success.

Just who was mentoring whom??

Remembering Our Song

This is a reprint of the feature article from my May newsletter.

Trance Music

A friend is someone who knows your song and sings it to you when you have forgotten it. —Alan Cohen

 

Have you noticed the contrasting images that surfaced in the media this last month? On the one hand, Susan Boyle captured the hearts of the world by opening her mouth and sharing her beautiful voice with all of us—even after we judged and laughed at her. On the other hand, we’ve been swamped with photos of people wearing masks over their mouths to protect against the outbreak of swine flu. These photos are metaphors for the way that fear “masks” our voice and self-expression.

I first watched Susan Boyle with curiosity. As she talked backstage before the show, she seemed an odd mix of childlike openness and old-fashioned British countryside. But as she walked out on stage and began talking, my whole body began to constrict. The judges and the audience members rolled their eyes, sneered and laughed—at her age, her clothing, her hip-shaking responses to their questions. I felt pure dread in my stomach when I heard her say she wanted to be like Elaine Page, the first lady of British musical theater. I found that I projected my own fear of failure and rejection outward in anger toward the judges and audience (I love defending the underdog).

Then when Susan began to sing in her deep, resonant voice, a sense of awe and wonder rose from a deep place inside of me—a place even deeper than the fear place. I felt so genuinely moved in that moment. My fears transformed to an almost ecstatic delight. My heart stirred and my body felt the vibration of her song. I was resonating with Susan, hanging on each note. She could have been Godzilla and it would not have mattered. In sharing her song, she looked and felt beautiful to me.

And I was not the only one. The audience was moved to tears. The judges could not stop talking about their own surprise and thrill. The feeling in the room was one of truth and love, not fear. Susan Boyle’s song had the power to move us all past our fears and judgments to the place where our own dreams live.

We all have a dream, whether we are aware of it or not. We were each born with a “heart’s desire,” and it is up to us to express that desire while we are here. This is our legacy to ourselves and the world.

How do we connect to that legacy?

First by connecting to our own unique song.

Ancient traditions, and some contemporary ones, teach that each living being has their own song. Through the vibration of these songs, there is a way to communicate beyond words, to respond to the resonance of the essence of that being.

In his book Wisdom of the Heart, Alan Cohen describes this phenomenon in an African tribe. Before birth, a child’s song is discovered by the women in the community. It is sung to the child at birth, and at all life and death passages. When a person commits a crime, the village gathers in a circle and sings that person’s song. “The tribe recognizes that the correction for antisocial behavior is not punishment; it is love and the remembrance of identity. When you recognize your own song, you have no desire or need to do anything that would hurt another.”

When our “masks” of fear show up, often in the form of judgments, projections, or (as Amanda noted on Britain’s Got Talent) cynicism, our true song cannot be heard.

Susan Boyle’s song demonstrated freedom from fear, freedom from masks. By just being who she was, she took us beyond our masks, our judgments and labels and biases, to our deepest feelings and essences. To where we felt a universal connection to humanity. 

So how do we let go of our masks on our own terms?

Name them as you discover them. Don’t shove them back into the cave, but sit with them at the campfire and discover their story. Accept them and see them for their true size, not as a looming shadow in the dark.

Feel the feelings that come up. Notice especially the uncomfortable sensations in your body. Tune in. Inside each of us, there is a whole world of priceless information just waiting to be recognized, heard and felt. By acknowledging your feelings, you give them permission to soften. Until you acknowledge them, they will scream and crash to get your attention.

As the masks begin to fall away, notice what wants to come through you. What gives you the deepest pleasure, stops time, brings you alive? What are your gifts, talents and treasures? Spend some time remembering and also inviting forgotten passions back into your life. Literally write down your dreams, so your unconscious can assist you in the process of reclaiming your song.

This is your path to conscious awakening. Our treasures are in our gifts and our songs, not in our possessions, acquisitions, or external recognition. And the paradox is that when you value your own song, it will magnetize others to do the same. Your song will actually radiate energy out from you, in the same way that your heroes—whether the Dalai Lama, Barack Obama, Michelle Obama or Susan Boyle—radiate fields of energy that magnetize you.

As J.K. Rowling, quoting Plutarch, said in her commencement address at Harvard last year, "What we achieve inwardly will change outer reality. We do not need magic to transform our world. We carry all the power we need inside ourselves.”

Life does not need to be hard. That is the old tape. We are not here to suffer, to resist, to strive, to survive. We are here to thrive, to sing our songs, to play from our passion, to taste the fruit of knowing. The only “sin” is our cynicism. We can sing our own songs and those of our friends, family and community. And the world will applaud.

References

Alan Cohen, Wisdom of the Heart, (Carlsbad, CA: Hay House, 2002)

J.K. Rowling, 2008 commencement speech at Harvard, http://www.the-leaky-cauldron.org/2008/6/5/entire-text-of-j-k-rowling-harvard-commencement-speech-now-online, accessed May 3, 2009

What Would You Do if You Knew You Could Not Fail?

Week 1 Possibilities

This past Saturday, Betsy Gutting and I co-lead a CLE for women lawyers on Cultivating Your Vision: Awakening Passion and Presence in Your Work and Llife.  One of the exercises was asking the participants to reflect on what they would do in their work/lives if they knew they could not fail?  It is such a juicy question because it really invites you to play with the possibilities. How would you answer the question if there were really NO limits?  Is the answer a surprise? 

I find that this is a great exercise to do while you are on a walk. Once the ideas are popping, try making a vision board to see what surfaces from your unconscious.  Directions for making one can be found on Christine Kane's blog.

Guest Blogger: Clare Myatt-- The Path to Mastery

Clare Myatt is insatiably curious about what makes us inspired, empowered and satisfied in life. She is a dear friend who I met in somatic coach training. She also has a degree in law! Clare now lives in Britain with her husband.  Partnering with her clients to reveal their dreams and aspirations, Clare uses a compassionate yet practical approach to help shift insight into action through collaborative design of embodiment practices. She works with executives in need of the soft "EQ" skills, singles and couples to enhance their relationship skills, somatic students for supervision and anyone invested in self-development and possibility. Clare has degrees in law and psychology, is licensed as a Marriage and Family Therapist in California, certified as a Master Somatic Coach and member of the British Association of Counselling and Psychotherapy.

Ever have those days when, having tried to get a smidge too much done before leaving the house, the consequence is the strong possibility of being either right on time or a couple of minutes late for an appointment?  Well, I had one of those days last week.  And with it came a great lesson, made up of a series of minor irritations that at the time did not feel like a great lesson in the making.

The first irritation came in the shape of traffic light controlled roadworks letting through three or four cars at a time; the second a tractor which had three miles to traverse at a snail’s pace on a road where no overtaking was possible; the third a learner driver under instruction.  Of them all, the third, a young, tentative learner driver was probably my greatest teacher.  As he kangaroo’d along, attempting to master that difficult balance of clutch and accelerator control, I remembered to take a very deep breath, let go the outcome of potential lateness, and pay attention to the here and now.  The beautiful pink spring blossoms of the trees and hedgerows, the dainty bluebells appearing here and there along the verges, the white billowy clouds scudding across a bright blue sky.  Oh, what a beautiful day I had been missing amidst my hurry and intolerance.

Several deep breaths later, I began to pay attention to the trials and tribulations of the learner driver ahead and cast my mind back to those intense times, all those years ago, when every single minute behind the wheel of a car took intense concentration and focus.  What a difference several decades has made.  No longer do I have to focus on synchronizing the clutch and accelerator, pay much more than cursory attention to traffic, checking mirrors, indicating, pulling out to overtake, indicating and pulling over again.

Such is the path to mastery.  What a great reminder.  Whenever I take on a new practice - lately it’s been walking with a balanced gait after knee surgery - I am reminded of how clumsy we feel with something new and how it’s only practice that embeds habits and routines into the body.  I’m using a new phrase these days, one I picked up from a conversation with a retired psychiatrist who in turn heard it from his tennis coach.  “Practice makes permanent.”  I’ve always heard “practice makes perfect” but this new rendition makes much more sense to me.  As I sit and watch people walk, interact, eat, drink coffee – whatever they do – there’s a certain way in which who they are shows up in all they do.  In other words, whatever they’ve been practicing has become permanent in their structure.

 So the new question for myself and for my clients is this – what are you practicing?  If practice makes permanent, then be careful what you practice! 

 

Lawyers: Think Out of the Box for Your Own Career

To think out of the box....

You have probably seen Michael Melcher's name.  He wrote  The Creative Lawyer: A Practical Guide to Authentic Professional Satisfaction.   In a recent column in the ABA Journal, he writes about why thinking like a lawyer is bad for your career.

He offers the following:

When you apply thinking-like-a-lawyer to your own career—whether your objective is to build your business, develop a new specialty, or contemplate alternative paths—there’s a good chance you will:

• Analyze rather than explore.
• Focus on flaws and potential problems.
• Look for clear precedent.
• Require solutions of general applicability (“what would work for lawyers”) rather than specific applicability (“what would work for me”).
• Defer action in situations of uncertainty.
• Be skeptical about possibilities.
• Avoid taking risks.

Sound familiar?  So how do you shift gears when you are contemplating  your next career move or bringing in new business for your firm?  Our brains are wired to conserve energy.  They will choose the well worn grooves--our customary way of thinking-- over a new approach.  You have spent thousands of dollars and many hours creating those analytical grooves.  So shifting gears to a more creative, right brain, big picture, risk taking mind is not comfortable. And, if it is difficult and uncomfortable,  your brain is probably changing.

In my work with clients, I work creatively and somatically (through the body) to help them make the shift. Some of them become so excited at what begins to emerge that they feel like Dorothy in the Wizard of OZ coming home at last. 

Here are a few suggestions:

1. Because of the nature of our work, lawyers have a BIG inner critic.  Listen for that voice and lovingly reassure it that you will be safe, even when you take a risk or think creatively.  You are not just the voices in your head. They are usually formed between the ages of 0 and 6 and most of them want the opposite of what they tell you to do (the busy ones want peace, the fearful ones want courage and safety....). They are trying to take care of you and need to be reassured that you can take care of them!

2. Get a big piece of paper and do some mind mapping.  Use whatever is appealing to you-circles, spirals, triangles, wheels-let your ideas flow out onto the paper in relationships, not lines and logic. Draw from your body, not from your head. Write a word that has to do with your issue and then draw lines or squiggles out from that word as you write any other associations that arise for you.  Here is a great resource of mind mapping tools. Mind mapping is an effective and fun tool for seeing the big picture and relationships, and for allowing your intuition and creativity to flow.

3. Move out of your head and into your center before thinking about your issue.  Take deep breaths, spiraling the breath up your back and down your front, relaxing and broadening your muscles.  Deepen your breath into your belly so that your focus is your center, not your head.  Feel the effects of gravity on your body, allowing it to relax your jaw and shoulders. Bring your attention to the field of energy around you and "tune in." You should "feel" the field--it is energetic vibrations of tiny particles/waves.  This is how we connect to the "flow" of information that is all around us, but that we often miss.  The name given to information in the flow is "synchronicity."

Once you are centered, allow the issue to come to mind and notice what arises.  Don't look for the answer, try to solve the problem or "fix" anything.  Nothing is broken.  You are allowing all of you (body, mind, heart, spirit, intuition and the "field" )to create something new.  It is a process of discovery that is fun and inspiring if you allow it to work through you!

Catching A Wave

Having just returned from Sayulita, Mexico, I was inspired by the surfers who dot the ocean waves there. Surfing is different from many sports because the waves are moving targets.  Seems like a great metaphor for life and work!

So how do they "catch a wave?"  The expression itself is apt--it describes moving with the energy of the wave, perfectly timed, and responding as you move to the water, the wind, the tide.

An art form, yet there are certain skills that I observed that might be useful in any venture. 

The surfers become familiar with the environment, sensitized to how the waves are moving, the size and shape of the waves, the wind, the other surfers.  This requires use of all of their senses and patient, persistent observation and awareness.  Second, they learn from experience how to "join" the wave--move into its flow so they are riding the surf.  Risk taking is key here-practicing over and over until the "feel" of moving with the wave is embodied.  Quickly, the surfers learn that resistance gets you a mouthful of salty water.  Timing is everything-if you are not in the moment and willing to act, you will miss the opportunity.  And of course, my favorite--a surfer must be centered and connected to his/her core to stay on the board and to stand up and balance.  Intention and constantly adjusting movement seem to be the key to a long ride along the crest of a wave.   When it happens, it is a thing of beauty....

Any surfers out there who can give us some tips?

The Whole of You

I am often asked what Embodied Living means.   One of my clients expressed it well when she said, "The whole of me is so much more effective and satisfying than the head of me." 

Imagine that you are on a journey through uncharted territory.  You have a map, but it is not detailed.  Because you want to find your way, you bring a compass and a dog with you.  And perhaps you learn celestial navigation as another handy tool.  You might find someone local to be a guide as well.  Embodied Living is like that.  We are all on a path toward our own wholeness.  Some choose to call this a path toward their purpose or expressing who they are in the world.  Others might call it ascending consciousness.  Whatever you call it, it is your journey and it will be easier if you prepare and bring along the tools to find your way.  Or you can choose to be unprepared and accept the consequences of getting lost at every turn.

What are those tools?  In my work with clients, we notice everything.   If there is a feeling, we explore where and how that feeling is expressed in the body, in the sensations, through our gestures, in our inner voices and parts.  One thing leads to another and soon the client finds that he/she has awareness at many levels, not just one or several.  A feeling may lead to a young part, leading to knowing and healing that part, in turn leading to healing the family dynamics that fueled the reaction of the part.  The client may see that the part lives in a particular place in the body where physical symptoms have resided that are now available for recognition and release.  That release may lead to an awareness of untapped resources such as inner power or creativity.

The journeys with my clients are true adventures.  We discover lost treasures, meet dark, shadowy figures in caves, encounter a multitude of diverse characters, are swept away with the beauty of landscapes as they come into sharp focus,  and are blinded by the light of the inner essence, just to mention a few.

Curious?  I invite you to engage with your own curiosity about everything that you encounter, inside and out.  Recall your own days of exploration, when you were a tiny tot.  Reclaim those skills and notice how big your world grows.

M.C. Richards

M. C. with students (Creativity:Clay, Color, and Word)

As I mentioned yeseterday, M. C. Richards is one of my heroes.  She was ahead of her time, teaching wholeness through her art, her poetry and her presence.  " M. C. taught by witness and inspiration....She gave us seeds that we planted in our souls.  Sometimes these seeds had momentary lives, but often, even after decades of gestation, at the right time, they germinated...fertilized gems."  This quote is from Paulus Berensohn, an artist who worked with her.

I first encountered her story in the  The Fire Within, (a DVD about her life and work) during a Painting Experience retreat at Esalen.  She simply captured my heart with her humor, her wisdom, and her self actualizing approach to art.  She lived her art--- danced with it, questioned it, kissed it, sensed into it, appreciated it and more than anything, saw it as a process of creation and expression, not as an end product.

M.C.  was a poet, potter, teacher and modern day mystic.  She had a childlike sense of wonder, through which her wisdom simply flowed.  She referred to this state as “centering.”  "Within us lives a merciful being," she observes, "who helps us to our feet however many times we fall" (p. 8). "Wisdom is not the product of mental effort," she tells us. Rather, it is a state of "total being, in which capacities for knowledge and for love, for survival and for death, for imagination, inspiration, intuition, for all the fabulous functioning of this human being who we are, come into a center with their forces, come into an experience of meaning that can voice itself as wise action" (p. 15). From Centering in Pottery, Poetry, and the Person by Mary Caroline Richards           ( Wesleyan University Press 1989 )

Here are several of her poems.

Potter

This flat plate. This ladle and bowl.
Clay whirled on a wheel, raised slowly to the table.
Straight and curved, our primal gestures
take and give---speak out about
the way we stand and breathe.
Every leaf is saucer for the bread.
Every falling drop prepares its cup.
Always we are eating and drinking earth's body,
Making her dishes.
Potters like sun and stars
perform their art---
Endowed with myth,
they make the meal holy.

MC Richards

Shining Hands

This hand flickers at my lips,
this hand falls to its knees and bows,
two hands drum time out of silence.
Like flowers they open and close.
Soul flows down my arm, blood-warmth
in my fingers.
O hand at my breast, you teach love.
You guide our spoons into our mouths.
You free an angel from marbled rock.
O heart, our of your deep dark
our hands carry light into this world.

MC Richards

Living and Growing in the Place of Unknowing

Transition and change are gifts, if we are open to receiving them as such. The bright side of fear of transition is a childlike curiosity about the unknown. Once we know our fear, we can choose to respond to the unknown from the curious and open parts of us. It is in the place of “not knowing,” that new ideas and possibilities are born, that imagination, creativity and life intersect. And with a spirit of inquiry, rather than fear or control, we can discover our own wisdom and creative wellspring.

How often do we shrink or contract in the face of change or transition? How often do we avoid risks, refrain from coloring outside the lines because we are afraid of the “consequences,” go to that place of fear inside, rather than the place of curiosity about the unknown?

When we are in fear, we are living in a state of stress. What happens then? Neurochemicals in our system cause our heart to race, our breathing to become shallow, our mouth to dry, and the thinking and reasoning part of our brain to shut down. Our perspective shrinks, and our muscles tighten—we can see only what is right in front of us. We may want to fight back, run away, or, overwhelmed, freeze.

We each have an internal panel of triggers connected to childhood experiences when we did not feel safe. For some, the big trigger is financial worry, for others, fear of loss of relationship or connection. Fundamentally all triggers are about safety, security, or feeling seen, accepted, and loved—our core needs. As we get to know our own “trigger panel,” we can anticipate when we will get triggered and begin to notice what happens in that moment. As with a two-year-old child, the biggest gift we can give ourselves in those moments is a time-out. Even a “bathroom break” may bring space into that moment for you to begin to observe your own reactions.

I use centering when I need to take a break. I love Wendy Palmer’s approach to centering, which I’ve included in the Practices part of this page so you can try it yourself.

What does centering do for me? It brings me home to my Self. The voices in my head are, for the most part, very young children. The fight/flight part of my brain is basic instinct. When I connect to my Self, I connect to the observing part of me, who experiences the world in sensation and curiosity, not the feelings or emotions that color the sensations.

Recently, I was triggered when I felt that I was not being heard in a relationship. When I centered, I could see that I reacted to what I perceived as resistance by resisting back. I actually experienced the sensation of resistance in my belly. As I stayed in center, I realized that I was reacting to my own perception, not some objective reality. And, it did not matter whether I felt heard by that person or not, as long as I knew in myself what I wanted and what my boundaries were (what I was willing to compromise). I could meet my own need to be heard, by listening to and standing for myself, not against another. I remind myself, if I bring my attention to resistance, I will create more resistance. If I bring my attention to what I want and desire, I will create more of myself. My energy always follows my attention, so choose wisely.

Once you begin the practice of creating that space between your Self and your reactions, you make space for new possibilities.

Let’s imagine that you are sitting across the table from the unknown future after having lost your job. Your first reaction was fear, and now you are centered and curious. You may still feel the fear, but you are in touch with the part of you that is connected to a loving source, where there is no fear. At this point, you can enter into a dialogue with the unknown. Wendy Palmer calls this the Spirit of Inquiry.

A conversation ensues. Self asks the unknown, “I wonder what it would be like if I trusted that you held something wonderful for me?” Self notices what it feels like to let go of the battle for control and rest in this place. When Self listens carefully, deep inside, there is a voice that answers, “Relax and trust me.”

M.C. Richards, one of my heroes, communicates this artfully. She was a leader in the community of avant garde thinkers and artists who started the Black Mountain College of Arts in the late 1940s. She tells a story about leaving Black Mountain and moving to a new community house in upstate New York. In a dream, she entered the garden of the house where she saw a strange-looking three-eyed figure on the compost heap. She asked it, “What happens now, what next, why am I here?” She heard the figure reply, “I wouldn’t worry about that if I were you.” M.C. laughs when she mimics the figure: “It’s cookin’ on the back burner. You just hang in.” And sure enough, things fell into place.

M.C. tells us, “All that matters is being able to experience life and to be guided by the things that please us deeply. The soul is fed by what pleases us deeply.”

This is what the unknown offers us. A place to let go of “how” and embrace what brings us life. Bring the fear with you. Give it a cup of tea and laugh together. For there is only this moment, where anything is possible.

References:
Richard Kane and Melody Lewis-Kane, M.C. Richards: The Fire Within, DVD (Sedgwick, ME: Kane Lewis Productions, 2003)

Wendy Palmer, The Intuitive Body: Aikido as a Clairsentient Practice (Berkeley: North Atlantic Books, 1999)

Wassa Dance in Seattle

My first encounter with African dance was in a class given by Seattle dance teacher, Lara McIntosh. She is the creator and proprietor of Wassa Dance.  This afro-fusion class is inspired by the Bambara name given to her in Mali, meaning "one who acts for joy and fulfillment.”  As we started dancing to the live drums that play during her Sunday classes, my body began to remember.  Though I had never taken African dance before, it was if the spiritual and physical parts of me joined in that moment, recalling the archetype of the embodied feminine and her role in creating and shaping life.  My body felt as if the drums were in my heart, a wave of energy had taken root in my torso, and my feet were touching earth for the first time.

Lara’s life journey led her into the African dance scene.  She had been a dancer all of her life and it was through synchronicity that she found herself learning and teaching African dance and eventually in Mali, Africa experiencing it first-hand.  Her friends, students and family made the trip possible-very fitting when you begin to understand that African dance is all about community.  Not only in its socio-historical roots, yet also in the way it so easily brings a group of people together as one as they move in sync to the elemental rhythm of the drums.

I think that many people have a distorted understanding of African dance-especially that of African women.  In our ego-centric western society, we are very focused on the individual.   Many of the gestures in African dance have to do with the symbolic and spiritual nature of the feminine.  When you lose yourself in the music and the movement, you know that you are celebrating the rituals and passages of life, the self, and the body.

It is through Lara’s patient, humorous and wise teaching that I have come to understand that the African view is that the body is the community. Of course. And the feminine as it is expressed through the dance is not only the deep well of collective memory, it is also energy and the creation and sustenance of life that is central to any tribe.

Somehow, in Lara’s classes, I get all of that, though Lara uses very few words to explain.  As we move through the room, swaying hips, gesturing from the heart, feet holding the beat, I am literally carried inward to a knowing that is elemental and universal.  It is an understanding that it is only in our connection to our deepest selves and to others, that we will have what we need to survive and thrive in the world today.

I have studied somatics and I love bringing the work to my clients and workshop participants, and yet something has always been missing for me.  African dance is bringing me home to the feminine embodiment of life and our connectedness in the truest sense.  When we are all practicing the movements that Lara teaches us, even in our sometimes awkward first attempts, there is still a sense of collective energy in the room that speaks louder than any words.  It brings us together in our bodies, hearts and spirits.  It feels like life.  If you live in Seattle and want to experience Lara’s lively energy firsthand, come to one of her classes.