“Everyone wants to be like Carol.”
A young associate in Carol Bailey's all-woman family law firm describes Carol as tough (“no BS”), caring and feminine. With her warm and down-to-earth Texas presence, Carol says, “I teach other lawyers to really care about their clients and the impact that we, as lawyers, are having on society.”
Like her associate, I was immediately inspired by Carol. In her own words, her life purpose is to experience joy. And her story, in all of its magic, reflects that purpose. She has lived a life “directed from the inside, not the outside.”
The founder and owner of Carol Bailey & Associates, PLLC, Integrative Family Law, Carol has created a firm that is integrative in its internal processes as well as in its approach to cases. Carol understands the effect of conflict on families and the importance of resolving it in a way that honors the needs of her clients and the larger family system. Sometimes mediation and a collaborative approach are appropriate and other times not. Carol’s sophistication in this arena, enhanced by her many years of representing children’s interests in divorces, led to an invitation to teach a course on communication skills and conflict resolution at the Seattle University School of Law in fall 2009.
To Be Authentic …
Picture a young, wiry girl in a pair of cutoffs grabbing her horse by its mane, swinging herself up and taking off, bareback, through the Texas woods, with her dog running alongside. Carol spent many years of her life doing just that every day after school. She recalls camping out with her horses and being moved deeply by the night sky and the profound sense of wonder it awoke in her about the universe.
Her curiosity about the world and love of beauty was furthered by her mother, who was involved with a program teaching English to Spanish-speaking women immigrants. Many of these women stayed with Carol’s family for extended periods of time. This exposure helped seed Carol’s love of and interest in people from other cultures (which later included a relationship with a prince from Saudi Arabia), her fluency in Spanish and several other languages, and her passion for adventure travel. Carol's mother also instilled in her a love of art, music and family meals.
Carol faced her dark night of the soul in high school and college, during her emerging adulthood. She says she lost touch with the authentic, free parts of herself in an effort "to live to please others". She faced her self doubts and demons, inside and out, by paying attention through her own existential journey. She had two life changing experiences: her first solo journey to Paris at the age of 19, and an extended trip alone around the world.
The second of these experiences occurred after Carol completed law school at Southern Methodist University in 1978. Carol traveled alone on a world tour which included the then Soviet Union, areas of the Middle East (including Pakistan and Afghanistan), Africa, India, Kashmir, Nepal, Sri Lanka and Southeast Asia. The stories from her travels will someday fill a book.
For example, she was kidnapped in Turkey by Russian and Afghani arms smugglers who were riding on the train in the same compartment as her. Her pre-arranged ride from the rural Turkish train station failed to appear. Alone, she felt her only choice was to ride with the men to a hotel in town. They locked her inside a room with a drunk man. Carol kicked the door down and ran through the streets—unable to read any of the Turkish signs, being chased by the men who had kidnapped her—until by a stroke of fortune, she saw the word "HOTEL" and found safety inside. There, in the lobby, she found the man who was supposed to have met her at the train station. (Ready to buy the book? I sure am!)
She also spent an entire day in Russia with a Jewish man, exchanging stories, but with no shared language. Carol says this experience profoundly shifted her view about connection and communication with others.
Carol’s wild and free nature was eventually organically contained by the teachings of her father, who for her embodied passion and principle. From him, Carol learned how to connect with her values and beliefs. Over time she grew to live in alignment with principles as the source of her direction in life, even when this meant choosing to follow a course disfavored by her family and friends. As an example, when Carol was 29 years old she married an attorney 27 years older than her, over the objection of almost everyone around her. It turned out to be one of the most important decisions of her life, and confirmed for her that her life had to be shaped by following her own guidance. This experience set the tone for her adult life: “In order to be authentic, I had to know and follow what was true for me inside, without being swayed by convention or worrying about what other people might think.”
Follow What Is True Inside …
I can see that Carol lights up when there is a problem to be solved and facts and law to synthesize, in service of real-life issues and with potential to avert harm. Law school and family law practice were clearly a fit.
Carol’s early career included a federal clerkship (Fifth Circuit, District Court) and general litigation at a small litigation firm in Houston. She then married the lawyer 27 years her senior (that unconventional streak again), and they parented two children, Bridget and John. The family eventually moved to Whidbey Island due to Carol’s husband’s health issues.
Carol says what followed was one of the hardest times in her life. She was restless and realized that the world was calling her beyond Whidbey. She and her husband reached an agreement that she would move to Seattle with the children (4 and 6 years old), take the bar, and practice law in Seattle, while he remained on Whidbey. They agreed at that point that if either of them met a new mate, they would divorce, but not until then. Carol remembers crying every day that she studied for the Washington State bar. She still loved her husband, and at the same time she knew that to truly care for herself and her children, she had to move to a city and begin working.
Wanting to become a family law mediator, Carol was advised to first become an expert in family law. She practiced law with Mabry Debuys at Preston Gates and Ellis for seven years. Then, Carol decided to marry a Seattle surgeon. She gained two stepchildren, Jake and Sarah, a busy home life and the work of blending a family. She decided to continue only her Guardian ad Litem practice and to work from home. She maintained that practice for the next 10 years.
As a GAL, Carol saw and felt, firsthand, the often-detrimental effect that lawyers have on clients. She says it dawned on her then, hearing over and over parents' varying points of view, that all of our realities are different, based on perceptions and interpretations unique to each of us. Carol realized that often people are not "lying" as they are accused of by lawyers, but rather have differing perceptions and interpretations of events. With this realization, Carol began to retrain her own mind to approach conflict from a place of curiosity rather than a place of certainty. She stepped into a “beginner’s mind" in understanding conflict.
Without Being Swayed by Convention …
Carol’s GAL experience formed the foundation for her own firm. As her youngest child left for college, Carol launched Carol Bailey & Associates, PLLC. A primary goal was to enhance awareness about the role that lawyers play in people’s lives—especially people going through divorce or family issues-and to make that role a positive one by sincerely caring about each client's life. This also requires new skills lawyers don't learn in law school. Through her many years of training and on-the-ground experience, Carol knew she could develop a concrete set of skills lawyers could use to diffuse conflict rather than add to it. These skills, plus the ability to clearly assess each client’s individual needs, gave her the basis for a new approach to family law focused on the client’s long term well-being, not just using the same litigation process over and over meanwhile creating conflict and advancing the lawyer’s financial interests.
When Carol Bailey & Associates, PLLC, Integrative Family Law was born in 2006, Carol was careful to negotiate a graduated lease payment for the first year, to hedge against unexpected costs and uncertain revenues. The firm made money from the start. Carol Bailey & Associates has now been in business three years. The seven lawyers support each other by brainstorming strategies to deal with opposing counsel who try to drive costs up by acting inappropriately or are otherwise unconscious of their impact on the family unit. The lawyers at Carol Bailey & Associates make it a policy not to engage in lawyer and opposing client "bashing" as this does not promote resolution and creates negativity for everyone. Often in collaborative cases Carol does not sign four-way agreements (which limit the client's options) because she believes at times the agreement does not serve the client's interests. Another example of Carol's independence and ability to stay focused on her purpose: taking care of each client.
Carol’s firm offers flexible work hours (and remote access) for everyone, lawyers and staff. Required billable hours are considerably less than other firms so that firm members have time for their families. At weekly meetings, Carol invites input on how things are working inside the office. The office is paperless except for court orders and required originals. Everyone feels a sense of team camaraderie and empowerment since each person's input is solicited and considered valuable. As Hallie Eads, the newest firm associate said, “The whole firm has a sincere interest in supporting me to develop in my practice and in my goal to become a great attorney.”
Carol inspires others and is making a critical difference in the lives of everyone she touches. Think back to that young girl, riding free and wild, in touch with her passion and purpose. That girl, now a woman, is alive and well in the world. I feel grateful for the ways in which she has shared her authenticity and values with the legal profession, the men and women who are her clients, and the world.
Carol is walking in the center with the women in her firm.
Where there is life, there is hope. I feel strongly that I can make it.
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